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Bummie_Ju
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Country: Canada
Gender: Female
Interests:
Moo
christianity
swimming, shopping,
coffeeshops & reading...
Expertise:
UToronto BHSc
nutritional science+psychology
Ryerson BASc
Food + Nutrition
Industry: Medical
Message: message me
Member Since:
3/17/2004
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| sometimes I ask myself.. am i asking too much out of expectation of a relationship..? I didn't think so, and yet the past month has been a serious struggle... and thoughts just keep rolling over and over in my mind. Is this just a test, just to see if I can get through it?... I mean, i've adjusted for this relationship, left right and centre... and sumtimes i'ts just nice to be able to see that things are getting better.. or both sides are trying you know? These days i honestly sometimes just feel like you dont' really care about me. That's why I stay quiet, because I keep thinking to myself is he gonna tune out the stuff I am gonna say and think about his own stuff? And then when I try to care i get shot down as 'trying to know too much' or 'trying to control'. What do u honestly expect me to do?... I do my job and then i'ts not good. I don't do my job and it's still not good. I'm out of suggestions... Sometimes... sometimes i just wish that you can appreciate things i do w/o me telling you, and for you to realize it yourself. Sometimes I wish I don't have to ask for your attention and affection... i'ts like you don't even care much if i call you, or if i see you anymore. Then... wha'ts the point. And then this song just really reminds me of how conflicted I feel inside of me... it's like no matter what i do it's not good enough, or 'i don't know if i can handle your temper.' If you were PMSing, frustrated by school and when your boyfriend calls you the first thing he says instead of 'hi, how are you' is 'Look, i think there's a misunderstanding...' do you even care? I feel like I honestly can't read you. I don't know whether to take you seriously or not... I feel lost.
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You tell me you're in love with me
Like you can't take your pretty eyes away from me
It's not that I don't want to stay
But every time you come too close I move away
I wanna believe in everything that you say
'Cause it sounds so good
But if you really want me, move slow
There's things about me you just have to know
Sometimes I run
Sometimes I hide
Sometimes I'm scared of you
But all I really want is to hold you tight
Treat you right
Be with you day and night
Baby all I need is time
I don't wanna be so shy
Every time that I'm alone I wonder why
Hope that you will wait for me
You'll see that you're the only one for me
I wanna believe in everything that you say
'Cause it sounds so good
But if you really want me, move slow
There's things about me you just have to know
Sometimes I run
Sometimes I hide
Sometimes I'm scared of you
But all I really want is to hold you tight
Treat you right
Be with you day and night
Baby all I need is time
Just hang around and you'll see
There's nowhere I'd rather be
If you love me, trust in me
The way that I trust in you
Sometimes I run
Sometimes I hide
Sometimes I'm scared of you
But all I really want is to hold you tight
Treat you right
Be with you day and night
Baby all I need is time ad_text = 'Sometimes
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I'm not sure i understand why everytime I"m going thru a rock-bottom phase mentally and spiritually, u seem to be going thru the same thing... sumtimes it just makes my stress all that much worse - b/c i gotta worry about two people. Not that i dont' want to... but I get frustrated and angry from it too u know? I'm not at a stage where I can empower to believe, to trust, to have faith. I just got over that phase and I just don't feel that passion to say that type of stuff. I'm already so nerve-wrecked.. and yet u just feel shaky and u can't tell me what's making u shaky.. i don't know how to help u sumtimes. It's like u are struggling, yet u dont' tell me what ur struggling about and it makes me feel helpless just sitting around not knowing what to say, what to do, how to help u get over it....
I just hope you can dig deep inside urself and find out what's triggering u... i mean the signs were just like last time and 6 months ago I almost wanted to end things b/c of that. I hope tha'ts not the reason... I wish u just knew it's school that's bothering u.. it seems like everytime ur in the school phase u become some kind of zombie - you weren't like this in the summer at all. Sigh I wish i can undersatnd, but u have to know that I'm not a mind-reader right.. all i know is what u tell me only. I can't figure it out, all i can do is give suggestions as to what maybe the cause.. the battle is urs to deal with.. i can support u but ultimately u gotta figure it out urself. U just feel like u can't do anything and can't concentrate.. maybe tha'ts just b/c ur so worried about the upcoming stuff u have to do u can't concentrate. I do that too. It's all aobut stress management and organizing ur time wisely.. U just gotta do one thing at a time. I know ur not good at multitasking - but this is sumthing that needs to be learned. You can't just ignore it and hope it goes away.. u gotta face the issue. If u need help, pray. Ask God to give u strength to deal with this and find out what's bothering u... maybe u just feel like everything u do doens't seem to mean anything in the end.. I feel that sumtimes b/c it just makes me realize that life isn't just what's here on Earth - we still have eternity to deal with.. and u can't deny God's existence in ur heart. He's watching you... and he will never give u something you can't handle... If u feel like it's all too much, it's just simply because u've been walking alone all along and refusing other help unknowingly... let Him carry you.. and take care of that worry... and all u gotta do is do the best u can~
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| I hate it when we always have the same stupid fights~ it's not that I don't want to let it go.. i can't let it go. It will always still continually bother me from time to time.. this is what happens when you do sumthing like that... it's like scarred... forever, unable to change or deny its presence. I"m not trying to make you feel bad... but u know how i feel when i feel trust is broken. i'ts really hard to try to trust the person completely again once sumthing like this happens, and i told you b4 that i just need time to mend... it's only been half a yr~ sigh. it's always the same things. it's my insecurities and my inability to completely trust people, and i know that. and yes it's frustating on ur part.. but it's the same on my part too. u think i want to be like this? believe me, I wish to go back to days when things are more complete and naive. I can't trust ppl, b/c ppl just keep doing stupid stab u in the back type of things and i'm just plain sick of it. and tired of fighting it.... you just gotta give me time, not that ur not giving me reason to doubt u, i just need my time... it took me so long to deal with those kinda stuff from the past, I just need to be able to leave it be and move on. I'm trying to be understanding, I really am, I mean u gotta do what u gotta do... and I know you're trying to make things better, but yeah. bad mood + all those things relaly done'st help me. U gotta brace urself, b/c this year i'm gonna be in maniac and stress mode so most of the time my mood isn't exactly optimum~ love is patience... time will heal. | | |
| Starry starry night, paint your palette blue and grey
Look out on a summer's day with eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills, sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills, in colors on the snowy linen land
Now I understand what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for you sanity How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they did not know how, perhaps they'll listen now
Starry starry night, flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violet haze reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue
Colors changing hue, morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand
For they could not love you, but still your love was true
And when no hope was left in sight, on that starry starry night
You took your life as lovers often do,
But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you
Starry, starry night, portraits hung in empty halls
Frameless heads on nameless walls with eyes that watch the world and can't forget.
Like the stranger that you've met, the ragged man in ragged clothes
The silver thorn of bloody rose, lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow
Now I think I know what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for you sanity How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they're not listening still
Perhaps they never will. | | |
| Sometimes I really hate myself. It's at this point where I feel like everything I do is never good enough. That I've tried hard to get everything right, and then in the end it doens't turn out that way. Sigh.. what a failure. I know i'm not being a perfectionist... or perhaps I've just grown to accept myself for the way I am and do things. I just am forgetful. I'm easily occupied, I like my schedules packed so tight it's hard to breathe... I become absent-minded and lose things. I lose things all the time - it's no surprise to me. But i guess after losing the couple ring for like a millionith time... I find myself thinking - maybe he's right. Maybe i should put it on a chain. but i really don't like putting rings on my necklaces.. it's just.. awkward. they were designed for fingers.. either wear them.. or don't. I dunno.. he never wears the rings b/c he dones't wanna get them dirty... but I like to wear it because it's a ring. th'ats what it's designed to do. Not that the ring is very durable per say.. coz it's all tarnished, not even very silvery anymore, and with scratches all over it. But i suppose it is a symbol of the relationship, and the fact that i keep losing things just means maybe i'm not taking the relationship seriously. But i also find that thought very disturbing.. while it is a symbol, just because I lose material things.. that has NOTHING to do with how i feel inside my mind and my heart. Just b/c i lose a ring doens't mean i dont' care about the person anymore. I just don't think stuff like rings and other jewellery should be a measurement of the relationship. it's downright ridiculous. I like to measure it by the time i spend with the person.. the sacrifice i made for the person... those things matter. Losing jewellery doens't matter crap. I mean it's not like i'm TRYING to lose it on purpose. I tried so f--king hard NOT to lose the damn piece of thing.. and then when i do lose it.. i want to beat myself up. Makes me not ever wanna wear the jewellery that I don't buy. B/c in the end i'm just gonna lose it right?.. Don't give me jewellery if you think i'm just gonna go ahead and lose it. When u give it, u have to try and trust that I will do my very best to take care of it. Maybe it's not a flaw problem.. and maybe i just need to be more responsible... but when u have a million things to do on your schedule, and i'm dealing with cramps... is it okay for once to just lose it b/c i was in rush and i'm trying to do a million things? | | |
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